Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Quarry: A Submission Parody

Any writer worth his or her salt is cringing at the spelling in that title. Oh, call it an inspiration from watching Bill Murray on David Letterman last night, or maybe my restlessness with the publishing industry, but I feel like having some hardcore, irreverent fun. I’ve always wondered what kind of responses I would get if I sent out a query letter intentionally fraught with errors and inane ideas.

Thus, here is the inquiry I will be sending out to agencies and presses to see what kind of bizarre fish might bite.
Quarry: the Blossom in my Shoo, a romantic Spense by Milo Angsy phd.

Its not what you think. Please reed on.

Blondy bond shell Trigger Norris was a wellknown firecracker. She didn’t take no crap from nobody. Her way or the hiway. One day, a purchase of a brand new pair of pumps changed all that. The shoo salesman was so hot. And really nice. But is he a space alien? Trigger simply can’t wield her regular attitude at him. Things she usually hates about guys, hairy arms, protruding Adam’s apples, and football worship (he wears a Cleveland Browns wrist bands), she finds adorable in this nerdy clekr.

Well, he asks her on a date and she finds herself somehow uttering yes, and before you know it they’re chomping dinner at Applebee’s, swappin their life stories. His name is Milo. AND HE REALLY TELLS HER THAT HE’S AN ALIEN FROM PLUTO, the planet that is no longer classefied as a planet anymore so he got kicked out with all the rest of his shpecies. At first she’s kind of creeped out, but then she gets into it because HE seems to believe as much.

When a robbery breaks out in the restaurant and the bad guys take them hostage, weird things start to happen. It’s not like Milo is a superhero or anythin. But the crooks get in wacky arguments with him every time they threaten to hurt Trigger. Will he prove to be her night in shiny armor? And what is that in Trigger’s shoo?

Inspired by 50 Shades of Grey, this book will sell millions.

As you can see, I am a doctor. My doctor’s degree is in paranormal investigation. That alone should makes this a hit as there is some reallife stuff in there.

I would be happy to come to your office and discuss the contract. No need to send a limo. I’m quite humble and eager to share lots of funds with you.

You can reach me tomorrow between 8AM and 7PM Mountain time. Please don’t call during lunch. Oh, and I can call you if that works out better too. If there’s any reason you can’t chat tomorrow let me know and we can work around next week also.

Doctor Milo Angsly
and Author
Yes, I’m really going to send this. I’ll share any interesting responses. Disclaimer: I have written romances before and they are NOT easy, so please don’t take this as a dig to the genre.

Ta, ta.



Patricia Stoltey said...

But if they find out who you really maybe one of them reads this post and spreads the word, you will be blacklisted forever and a day...or longer. :D

Chiseled in Rock said...

I've been called worse. :)

Sisters of the Quill said...

I'm curious to hear what kind of response you get. Either they'll think this is an unusual way to see if they'll buy into a new character OR they'll cringe at the "cleverness" of it. - either way... you may learn who you could best work with. - Karen