Monday, April 1, 2013

Jumping over a Candlestick, a F***ed Up Fairy Tale short story, by j.a. kazimer

Today, it’s my pleasure to welcome j.a. kazimer to the Rock, where we’re in for a treat! She’s sharing a short story with us – a companion piece to her F***ed Up Fairy Tale novels!

Definitely not for baby's bedtime reading, the F***ed Up Fairy Tale series is an irreverent take on classic fairytales – think Shrek for grownups – combining humor, mystery, and characters only a fairy godmother could love.

If you don’t know j.a., you should!

When j.a. isn't looking for the perfect place to hide the bodies, she spends her time surrounded by cats with attitude and a little puppy named 'Killer'. Other hobbies include murdering houseplants, kayaking, snowboarding, reading, and theater. After years of slacking, j.a. received a master's degree in forensic psychology in 2007, mostly to fill the blank spaces on her wall. In addition to studying the criminal mind, she spent a few years spilling drinks on people as a bartender and then wasted another few years stalking people while working as a private investigator in the Denver area.

And now, without any further ado…

Jumping over a Candlestick by j.a. kazimer

Once upon a time (about 15 years, twenty-five days, six hours, and forty-three minutes ago) in a land not-so far away, better known as New Never City, more specifically inside a bedroom decorated with The New Bears on the Block posters, a young man wrapped his lanky arms around a teen girl and kissed her.

“That’s just right.” She curled her fingers around the young man’s neck to yank him closer. Desire and need burned within her, nearly driving her out of her mind. A feeling she planned to fully explore.

The boy shot her a slow, bad boy smile, the kind that made father’s grab their assault rifles. “Easy, G. We have all night,” he whispered, a ray of moonlight softening the already hard planes of his face. A face born of many a nights spent fighting for scraps of food and affection.

The girl, her skin flushed, stilled underneath his softly spoken words. Blue eyes met jade green ones filled with something dark and dangerous. She swallowed, hard, as if she knew their time together wouldn’t last.

And it didn’t.

Unhappily-soon-after, as the boy’s mouth returned to the girl’s lips, three bears arrived home. “Someone’s been sitting in my chair,” the grizzled voice of Judge Papa Bear growled from the kitchen of his expensive Easter Village brownstone.

The boy, in the bedroom upstairs, froze in place, his lips hovering inches away from the girl’s breast. He glanced down at the naked girl, his gaze turning from lusty to terrified faster than a caffeine-addicted mouse could run up a tab at Wish Upon a Starbucks.

“Someone’s drank all my wine,” Mama Bear’s voice rang out. “And after spending the afternoon with your mother I could really use a drink.”

The bedroom door swung open.

A shadow filled the doorway. With a cry the boy leapt off the bed, grabbed his pants, and ran to the window.

Looking over his shoulder at the girl, her glowing locks shining like golden flames in the flickering candlelight the boy swallowed hard. A faint breeze from the open window, a window that promised freedom, caressed his flesh much like the hands of the girl had moments ago.

The boy closed his eyes. “Another time. Another place,” he said as he dove over a lit candle, nearly singeing his naughty parts in the process, and out the window, disappearing into the dark night. Gravel crunched under his retreating boots.

The bedroom light flicked on illuminating the doorway where the baby bear stood. The girl gasped, clutching the blanket to her chest. Her frightened gaze locked on the young bear’s face. They stared at each other, eyes wide, neither making a sound.

Finally, when a full minute had passed, the baby bear broke eye contact. He motioned to the window and the fleeing boy. “He’s awfully nimble.”


j.a., thank you so much joining us today and for sharing Jumping over a Candlestick!

j.a. kazimer’s books include The Junkie Tales, The Body Dwellers, Holy Socks & Dirtier Demons, Dope Sick: A Love Story (A Wilde Crime), SHANK (A Wilde Crime), CURSES! A F***ed-Up Fairy Tale, and Froggy Style: A F***ed Up Fairy Tale.

You can learn more about j.a. at:

Janet Fogg
Janet is the author of Soliloquy, an award-winning historical romance, and co-author of the military history best seller, Fogg in the Cockpit.


Christine Rains said...

That was so much fun! Thanks for sharing.

Patricia Stoltey said...

Julie, you're a gem with a wonderful sense of humor. Very fun story.

Shannon Lawrence said...

Loved it! Can't believe I almost missed this. He was nimble, but was he all that quick?

Shannon at The Warrior Muse