Valentine's the Gusto Way

You can be cheap yet still be romantic. C’mon, you’re probably an artist of some sort for cryin’ out loud if you’re reading this, so use some imagination. Those who really know me will tell you I’m the cheapest bastard alive—a mantle I proudly accept—but I’m also efficient and effective. And the thing is: Creativity squashes money spent every time when it comes to amore…unless your conquest is the superficial type. In that case, this posting is not for you and good luck. I’ll float you some cash if I know you, but it probably won’t be enough. And you better have a sports car.

Let’s go over these in promotional package style. (I’m putting on a Comedy Con—will be posting more about it on here soon—and as of late, I’ve been pitching to potential sponsors with deals that you just can’t refuse)!

The VIP Working Man Deals: In these scenarios, you have some free cash to splurge a little, around a 100 to 150 bucks.

The trick here is to avoid being manipulated like mindless cattle. Dinner is probably the best option, but don’t go where you always go! Find a place with character. It doesn’t even have to be ‘fancy’, but it must feel adventurous. It’s this simple, if you want it to be spicy in the bedroom, the dining experience is the way to get the flavor going. Maybe you try something completely new. When you roll the dice like this, there’s a risk of the meal falling short of your expectations. Again, that’s okay. It’s part of the thrill. You can kiss afterwards and make it all better.

Another epicurean approach, again observing this budget is to simply get a really nice bottle of wine. You can pick up a bottle of Dom Perignon in said price range. Pop the cork with your sweetie and enjoy some white grapes and cheese with this sparkling luxury while watching the sunset…or sunrise, if you know what I mean. Wink wink, nudge nudge.

The Intimacy is More Important Than Money Deal: Relaxation is paramount in romance. At about half the price, these are the best bang for the buck. Wait, that sounded a little crass…

Get comfortable and rub each other’s backs. You don’t have to be a masseuse. You just have to be caring. Music, or a movie, and maybe a stiff drink are nice pairings with ‘stop-the-world-and-take-a-breather’ technique.

Prepare a special entrée for your honey. I’m such a lousy cook, it takes me an hour to make Minute Rice, but from my single years, I perfected a few meals, one of them being steaks. The first time I grilled them, I nearly singed my eyebrows off because I didn’t know how to fire up coals, but as they say, practice makes perfect. I grill them so well now that it actually fooled my girlfriend into thinking I was some kind of chef. But I relish wining and dining her. Oh, and here’s a trick with onions, guys. Everybody knows that a tough dude never cries, yet cutting onions can test you. The trick is to make sure there’s plenty of ventilation, direct a fan toward the kitchen area to blow the onion fumes away, and breathe through your mouth. You’ll make Superman look like a squeaky voiced adolescent. Then again, some ladies dig the sensitive type. In that case, leak all over the place and tell them about your beloved cats.

The Zero Money Option: Tell her how you feel. If you’re a writer, you should have this in the bag. Take the time to really get it right on the page. And that’s why I’m telling Julie and all of the world how lucky I am. She patiently helped me to find the way to true happiness—absolute appreciation of what I have. Everyday, I become a better man with her in my life. I love you.

Gusto Dave