The Critic by Bonnie Biafore

Bonnie Biafore is the author of twenty-six books including Project 2010: The Missing Manual, Successful Project Management (award-winner at the 2012 STC International Competition), QuickBooks 2013: The Missing Manual (now Intuit’s Official Guide to QuickBooks), and the Better Investing Stock Selection Handbook (STC Distinguished Award and APEX Award of Distinction). She also records a course on project management and QuickBooks for Lynda.com.

Her first novel, Fresh Squeezed, a comedic thriller with incompetent hit men, stupid criminals, a drunk ferret, and several dogs, is now available in print and e-book.

 

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The Critic by Bonnie Biafore


The life of a writer can be lonely, sitting in front of a computer for hours on end. Fortunately, I have two Bernese Mountain Dogs, Maia and Cole, to keep me company. What do they think of what I do for a living? Do I really want to know?

* * *

She sits at her desk hour after hour, pawing frenetically at her keyboard, like a Jack Russell Terrier burrowing into a rodent’s hole. The rhythm broken only when she reaches over, grabs her mug, and swigs whatever beverage it holds. Caffeine in the morning, alcohol as time passes--sometimes, very little time, I might add. Neither substance seems to improve the drivel she produces, but if it makes her happy…

I’m curled up in my chair, staring at her back. She’s oblivious, like Cole when he chases a squirrel. If only her focus delivered some noticeable successful result. I close my eyes and sigh. I must ponder the situation.

When I open my eyes, the sun has moved, but she hasn’t. I step out of my chair, amble over, and peer over her forearm at the screen. I scan what she’s written. Poor misguided creature.

I hook my paw over her arm and stare without saying a word.

“What?” she asks innocently.

“You make that Labrador out to be a buffoon. As if his sense of smell and filling his belly is his only motivation. Well, OK, he is a Lab, but you’re dangerously close to insulting.”

“Do you want a cookie?’

“Yes, of course.” I follow her to the closet, Cole close behind me, wagging his tail.

She hands over the treats. I crunch thoughtfully. A delectable mélange of peanut butter and molasses.

I follow her back to her desk and sit beside her. “And Tofu? You know that’s an embarrassing name for a hunting dog -- any dog for that matter. You don’t even mention how that makes him feel or how he compensates because of it.”

Her shoulders sag. Cole slinks over with his obsequious attitude, tail wagging wildly, knocking papers off the desk. He gazes at her with adoration and babbles “Looks good to me! I think she nailed Tofu’s personality!”

I give him a withering stare and he steps back.

“I’m…I’m a little thirsty. I’ll go get a drink.” He heads to the kitchen and laps at the bowl of water.

“Looks like you have more work to do,” I say gently but leaving no doubt. She is a successful writer, but only because of my mentoring.

She turns back to the screen and extends her hand toward the keyboard. I curl my toes on her knee and gaze at her meaningfully. It’s time for a break to clear the head and let those ideas solidify.

Her eyes widen like those of a deer who sees me coming. She understands. I am Maia, Earth Goddess. I know all.

“Hey!” she says brightly.

My ears prick up.

“Do you want to go for a ride in the car?”

Cole starts barking, the effort lifting his front paws off the ground. I back up and grin, wagging my tail enthusiastically. It’s important to reward these creatures when they do something right. But really. Who got the idea humans are so smart? It took her -- what? -- four hours to get the message, for dog’s sake. Ah well, it keeps us in kibble.


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Thanks for the fun post, Bonnie. I think Maia and Cole are much more patient and sweet than my Katie Cat. Now I'm starting to imagine her version of this conversation...and it isn't pretty.

Learn more about Bonnie and Fresh Squeezed at her website.You can also find her on Facebook, Twitter, and LinkedIn.

Top Ten Things I Hate About Writing/Being a Writer

I love being a writer. I love words. I love making readers laugh. Even more, I love making readers gasp in surprise. Writing is why I wake up each morning (okay, afternoon). So you’re probably asking yourself (if you are a twelve year old girl), if you love writing so much why don’t you marry it? If you’re a bit older, the question might be phrased a little differently but the ideas the same. If I love writing, why did I title this post the Top Ten Things I Hate about Writing/Being a Writer? What kind of idiot does that?

Mostly because I can. So there!

10. Spelling. That i before e rule is just bull***t! Yes, here it is: My name is Julie and I’m a terrible speller. If I could marry spellcheck I would. Our bond is strong and has lasted nearly a lifetime. Of course spell check is known for cheating and the occasional horrific gaff. Genius to penis in an email to my grandmother comes to mind.

9. Waiting. The publishing industry is all about waiting. Waiting to finish a book. Waiting for agents to read said book. Waiting for tens and perhaps hundreds of agents to reject the same manuscripts. Waiting for an editor to read the manuscript that the agent who kept you waiting for six months before it went out on submission. Waiting for the contract. Waiting for the release date, which is likely a year and a half from now. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. If you can survive the waiting with a shred of sanity than you will succeed.

8. Self-promotion. Even though this is number 8, it sucks more than many of the other things on this list. I don’t mind sending emails to bookstores asking to hold a booksigning at their bookstore. I have no problem wiring a press release or emailing a pitch idea to a news organization. These are things that authors have to do. What I don’t like is going on social media sites and selling myself or my books. I like to interact with my facebook friends. I want to share stuff with my followers on twitter. I like to blog about other books and sometimes politics on my blog. I understand that self-promotion is a necessary evil, but too often that evil is taken too far. Anyway, I have this book coming out on March 1^st. It’s a urban fairytale titled CURSES…

7. Reviews. I’m not going to whine about bad reviews. Yes, they happen. And yes, it sucks when you get one. Enough said.

6. Critique Groups. My first critique group was invaluable, but I didn’t learn so much about craft as I did about ego and bitterness. And really, what other professions offer critiques from peers as a means of bettering one’s self? Can you imagine a group of cops sitting around a doughnut shop…okay, bad analogy…but you get my point.

5. Grammar. I know. I know. I already said spelling and the ‘i before e’ rule, but grammar deserves its own special acknowledgement of hellishness. Present, past, past perfect. WTF? How is it language, the means of communication and ideas, has so many damn rules?

4. Readers. Okay, so this might sound harsh, but readers can be so annoying. Not you. You are FABULOUS! But readers sometimes want stuff to make sense, want characters who they love, want a plot that works, and then on top of that, they want perfect spelling and grammar. What am I, a rocket scientist? I picked a career in writing so I didn’t have to work…

3. Other Writers. Yeah, you know who you are. You’re always trying to get me to hangout in bars and talk in words. Hmmm…scratch that. I only hate writers who don’t pay for my drinks! Or are better at writing than me. Or the ones who sell more books. Oh and those damn bestsellers, what a bunch of…wordies.

2. Punctuation. I love you apostrophe. But damn can you be possessive.

1. Writing. Did I mention this already?

What do you hate about writing/being a writer?

j.a. kazimer is a writer living in Denver, CO. With a master’s degree in forensic psychology, j.a. has worked as a private investigator, bartender, and at the Jack Kerouac School of Disembodied Poetics. Books include The Junkie Tales (2010), The Body Dwellers (2011), CURSES! A F***ed-Up Fairy Tale (2012), and Holy Socks & Dirtier Demons (2012). The next book in the F***ed Up Fairy Tale series, FROGGY-STYLE, is forthcoming from Kensington in 2013. Visit j.a. kazimer’s website at http://www.jakazimer.com/

Ten Cheap Ways to Relax When You Have Too Many To Dos on Your List

By Pat Stoltey (originally published on April 19, 2011 -- but during the holidays, we can use all the de-stressing tips we can get)

1. Stand up. Take four boxing jabs that do not connect with a living creature or anything hard enough to hurt your hand. Sit down. Repeat ten times.

2. Spend exactly one hour on a priority project, then pat yourself on the back for making outstanding progress. Go to the kitchen and get a cup of coffee or a glass of ice water (or whatever), and stand at the window for five minutes to watch the weather. Repeat as needed. You never know what the weather might do if you aren't paying attention.

3. Spend thirty minutes to an hour doing a chore that will raise your heart rate. I took my box cutter to the garage and spent an hour cutting cardboard for the recycle bin. It's harder than you think, but I feel good (and I didn't cut myself, either).

4. Stand with your back against a wall. Make sure your heels, butt, and shoulders touch the wall. Suck in your gut and try to press the small of your back to the wall. If you can actually do this, don't tell me because it will make me feel like a wuss. Hold. Relax. Drop your head to stretch your neck and touch the back of your head to the wall. Hold. Relax. Repeat the lower back and neck stretch five times. Roll your shoulders.

5. Get up very early. Brew a pot of Celestial Seasonings Tension Tamer herbal tea. Drink it iced or hot. While you drink the tea, sit quietly in a chair and think. Relax your shoulders. Close your eyes. Don't drop the tea in your lap. When you finish the tea (not the whole pot, silly), check the sunrise. Admire it. Take a picture.

6. Examine your To Do List and pick something you don't really have to do. If your personal life and your career will not suffer, cross the item off the list. There. Doesn't that feel better? For best results, do it again.

7. Take a ten minute music break. Put your favorite CD in your boom box. Sit still and listen or sing along. Get up and dance if you want to. A little Friends in Low Places will lift your spirits. Oh, what the heck, make it a thirty minute or more music break and play the whole CD.

8. Yell. Okay, first wait until everyone is out of the house. Then holler as loud as you can. I personally don't care what you say when you yell, but if your neighbors can hear you, you might want to yell song lyrics or something similar that won't offend or alarm. You only need to do this for a minute.

9. Buy a small drum and learn the basic hand positions and rhythms (or not...it works even if you have no idea what you're doing). Take occasional five minute drumming breaks. It feels great. If you're sticking to a strict budget, buy a kid's tambourine. Or use a waste can turned upside down. Be creative. The point is, pound on something and feel the beat (but don't hurt yourself).

10. Stop working. Think. Why are you so stressed? Can't say no to new projects? Your husband is practicing Morse code right across the hall? You left your holiday baking until the last minute and your company arrives tomorrow? Whatever the reason, own it. You got yourself into this mess, you need to work your way out of it. Now go to the bakery and buy goodies. When you get home, pull the plug on hubby's noisy hobby. Take a deep breath. Then another deep breath. Doesn't that feel good?

Ten Cheap Ways to Relax When You Have Too Many To Dos on Your List

By Pat Stoltey

1. Stand up. Take four boxing jabs that do not connect with a living creature or anything hard enough to hurt your hand. Sit down. Repeat ten times.

2. Spend exactly one hour on a priority project, then pat yourself on the back for making outstanding progress. Go to the kitchen and get a cup of coffee or a glass of ice water (or whatever), and stand at the window for five minutes to watch the weather. Repeat as needed. You never know what the weather might do if you aren't paying attention.

3. Spend thirty minutes to an hour doing a chore that will raise your heart rate. I took my box cutter to the garage and spent an hour cutting cardboard for the recycle bin. It's harder than you think, but I feel good (and I didn't cut myself, either).

4. Stand with your back against a wall. Make sure your heels, butt, and shoulders touch the wall. Suck in your gut and try to press the small of your back to the wall. If you can actually do this, don't tell me. Hold. Relax. Drop your head to stretch your neck and touch the back of your head to the wall. Hold. Relax. Repeat the lower back and neck stretch five times. Roll your shoulders.

5. Get up very early. Brew a pot of Celestial Seasonings Tension Tamer herbal tea. Drink it iced or hot. While you drink the tea, sit quietly in a chair and think. Relax your shoulders. Close your eyes. Don't drop the tea in your lap. When you finish the tea (not the whole pot, silly), check the sunrise. Admire it. Take a picture.

6. Examine your To Do List and pick something you don't really have to do. If your personal life and your career will not suffer, cross the item off the list. There. Doesn't that feel better? For best results, do it again.

7. Take a ten minute music break. Put your favorite CD in your boom box. Sit still and listen or sing along. Get up and dance if you want to. Oh, what the heck, make it a thirty minute music break.

8. Yell. Okay, first wait until everyone is out of the house. Then holler as loud as you can. I personally don't care what you say when you yell, but if your neighbors can hear you, you might want to yell song lyrics or something similar that won't offend or alarm. You only need to do this for a minute.

9. Buy a small drum and learn the basic hand positions and rhythms (or not...it works even if you have no idea what you're doing). Take occasional five minute drumming breaks. It feels great. If you're sticking to a strict budget, buy a kid's tambourine. Or use a waste can turned upside down. Be creative. The point is, pound on something and feel the beat (but don't hurt yourself).

10. Stop working. Think. Why are you so stressed? Procrastination? Can't say no to new projects? Your husband is practicing Morse code right across the hall? Whatever the reason, own it. You got yourself into this mess, you need to work your way out of it (or just shut the door so you can't hear the noise). Take a deep breath. Then another deep breath. Doesn't that feel good?

Pterodactyls, Donuts, and Talking Dogs

Gusto Dave Jackson’s stand-up comedy fits with the intellectual crowd like hot chocolate on a snow buried Colorado day. Join our RMFW Publicity Chair as he untangles the warped ideas in his mind resulting in a good laugh for all of us.

Janet Fogg

We're Getting Too Serious...Time for Some Frivolity

A Cartoon by Brad Jackson